April 2019
New Normal?
30/04/19 08:43 Filed in: Rios Reports| MLB
How My Season Began vs. Now
Like this:
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 28, 2019Super Tramp-oline pic.twitter.com/l5CufGae9Z
— Darwin Award
That's Sierraload, Good Sir
Tip of the ballcap to Maddog's Maulers owner Mike Skoien for sending us this link (which may be behind a paywall) and saying "Article from Friday's Washington Post has important information for SLPL owners: 1) MLB players are hitting a ****load of homers at a record pace, 2) Do not own a pitcher from the Baltimore Orioles, and of course 3) The ball is "juiced," or, according to this article it has a lower drag coefficient making it fly farther ... duh!
Astley Physics
25/04/19 09:04 Filed in: Rios Reports| Just Because
Well done.
👏🏻 pic.twitter.com/Nsmqx9j4gg— You Had One Job (@_youhadonejob1) April 22, 2019Brilliant.
Drunks and a Sniper
This is funnier than it has any right to be.
🎥 Via @helpsainsburys2) pic.twitter.com/ExdDa3MhJO— Darwin Award 🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 24, 2019Drunks and a sniper.
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Delightfully Peeved
Ochre Stockings owner Ray Brennan recently traded for Yan Moncada of the White Sox while dropping Daniel Palka of the said same Sox. Ray's commentary, which is always delightfully peeved: "Here's my latest crafty adjustment to my Ochre Stockings roster, AKA Total Current and Future Entire Major League Perpetually Disabled or Grossly Underachieving List. Moncada's another sentimental choice from my favorite team. I hope he's better than my last sentimental choice, Palka, who went 0-for-32 and had 0 (ZERO) homers, tho he may get a few now that he's back in Triple A. Oh yeah, he's my second trade in this go-round, Salud!"
My Season Thus Far, Part 3 (NSFW)
22/04/19 10:01 Filed in: Rios Reports| GIF Fun
Depicts, with precision, how my season began. Not safe for work.
🎥 via @7737_44) pic.twitter.com/XJSTzeOh49— Darwin Award 🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 21, 2019Celebrating Easter with a swim. (
One of These Guys?
Tip of the Ballcap to Maddog's Maulers owner Mike Skoien, who sent us this link and asked the question, "Nearing the end of first month of baseball and you have to ask should I add one of these guys to replace that slow starting All Star? (e.g. Chris Sale)."
Working Those Quads, Take 2
20/04/19 10:24 Filed in: Rios Reports| GIF Fun
Three-fourths of our population should be paralyzed, Exhibit #2.6 billion and one, courtesy of Hold My Beer:
Hold my beer while I dive off this deck.
— Hold My Beer (@HoIdMyBeer_) March 28, 2019
pic.twitter.com/bpCRRpTNle
Working Those Quads
19/04/19 09:46 Filed in: Rios Reports| GIF Fun
You follow Darwin Award long enough and you begin to think that, like, three-fourths of our population should be paralyzed. Exhibit #2.6 billion:
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 18, 2019I’ll just impress this girl buy throwing her in the air, what could go wrong? pic.twitter.com/JgEx5NdMlD
— Darwin Award
And for My Next Wish ...
… I wish Curt Schilling would choke on his bloody sock.
Instant Karma. pic.twitter.com/Ye5yiuUojY
— INSTANT KARMA (@instakarm) April 18, 2019
My Season Thus Far, Part 2
17/04/19 08:16 Filed in: Rios Reports| GIF Fun
Yep. About like that.
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 16, 2019Karma. pic.twitter.com/US4ODQIo56
— Darwin Award
At Least Jose Hit A Dinger for Him Last Night
Maddog's Mauler owner Mike Skoien finally decided to drop Jose Ramirez. "Hitting below the Mendoza line for 250+ ABs since end of 2018 just won't cut it … when you're that bad I even have to resort to adding someone from the Dodgers ... but at least not someone from the Yankees who will likely be on the IL before you know it anyway…"
My Season Thus Far, Part 1
15/04/19 16:15 Filed in: Rios Reports| GIF Fun
Yep. About like that.
Hold my beer, I’m gonna try and fly this chopper.
— Hold My Beer (@HoIdMyBeer_) March 9, 2019
pic.twitter.com/wUEyPiBkCK
Drunken Gymnstics
In this episode of Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we witness some drunken gymnastics … and marvel. W?! T?! F?!
That’s drunk. pic.twitter.com/hZ6HnJNc3Y
— Dumb Drunk People (@dumbdrunkpeople) April 14, 2019
Ozuna Or Later
That didn't go as planned, did it?
Jose Canseco: I made the most embarrassing outfield play ever.
— Greatest Show on Dirt Baseball Podcast (@greatestondirt) April 10, 2019
Marcell Ozuna: hold my beer. pic.twitter.com/HCB8Ua1MJR
Privileged
Man, what an essay by Kyle Korver.
Meanwhile, here's the reaction from a great number of white people when asked to listen:
Meanwhile, here's the reaction from a great number of white people when asked to listen:
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 12, 2019Lucky to be alive. pic.twitter.com/PlDe7GZZ1T
— Darwin Award
That's Some Real Bull Sierra
My last week in the SLPL.
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 10, 2019I’ll just stand here, what could go wrong? pic.twitter.com/9561QMwf1i
— Darwin Award
Plumbing the Depths
What it was like being a Cleveland Indians fan in the 1970s and 1980s.
I can't believe this is a thing pic.twitter.com/xY3OMmTuxP
— Dissident Peasant (@JeffHisDudeness) April 10, 2019
Craven Bastard
Oh! Hey! Look! It's the POS who who just keeps S-ing on everything!
Just when I thought this @realDonaldTrump bastard couldn't get more craven ... https://t.co/sEyiLhFteG
— JoeLivernois (@JoeLivernois) April 9, 2019
Me, the Other Mondays
See also: The occasional Wednesday.
📹 via @daveashy) pic.twitter.com/VYLrUwiquD— Hold My Beer (@holdmyale) April 7, 2019That’s a moron.
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"Major League" Is 30?!?!
In the first episode of this season's Sunday Morning Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, we are told that the movie "Major League" is 30 years old. W?! T?! F?! Holy, hell!
Me, Most Mondays
See also: Most Tuesdays
🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) April 5, 2019That had to hurt. pic.twitter.com/Rz82Hzp8PJ
— Darwin Award
"Literally Us, the Blue Jays"
Excuse us while we spend the rest of our Friday laughing our assess off.
“Literally us, the Blue Jays.” pic.twitter.com/UJcUjmeTLO
— Audra (@audruhhhh) April 5, 2019
Uni Watch
Maddog's Maulers owner Michael Skoien sent this cool article to us before the season kicked off, but we thought it was too good not to share. He said, "This might be a nostalgic and somewhat irreverent read during March Madness as we prepare for the kickoff of BASEBALL!!" Thanks, Michael!
Make That Five
Five trades are in the books now in this early season, and better than the fact that we have a hungry group of owners is that said same owners are also bitter and carrying a chip on their shoulders. For example, Ochre Sox owner Ray Brennan said about his trade: "Stanton goes on the DL, which in this case means Disabled List, not the Down Low. What the frick is it with these 'jocks' (do they even wear them anymore??) and their injuries? Maybe the teams ought to hire trainers and doctors and purchase exercise equipment to keep these tender little flowers in playing shape."
Ah, yes, that's the seething bitterness we so love.
Meanwhile, Dongwhpped owner Kevin Klinkhamer had this to say about his trade: "First time I take Stanton to begin a year and it only took him a weekend to turn into a foxtrotting clown."
Yes, please, more of that.
Ah, yes, that's the seething bitterness we so love.
Meanwhile, Dongwhpped owner Kevin Klinkhamer had this to say about his trade: "First time I take Stanton to begin a year and it only took him a weekend to turn into a foxtrotting clown."
Yes, please, more of that.
Four Trades Already
Remember what we said yesterday about istilled Awesomeness">awesomeness distilled? About enhanced competition? Yeah, well, with only a weekend's worth of games in the can, three owners have already made trades. Which is to say, this league ain't messing around. If you want to compete, you've gotta use some trades!
Distilled Awesomeness
If you missed it yesterday, our website is up-and-running! Yay, right? That means our stats and standings are all up to date, so check 'em out.
Anyway, given that we have a smaller league — distilled awesomeness, is what we like to call it — we have had to make a few adjustments, as you might've imagined. With eight fewer teams for a total of 28, we elected to have four divisions of seven teams, which eliminates two division payouts and cranks up the competition, big time. We have also adjusted the various and sundry lower-level payouts to make sure our Regular Season and Overall Champs are getting the hefty coin to which they've become accustomed. Here's how we're spreading the purse as of today:
Anyway, given that we have a smaller league — distilled awesomeness, is what we like to call it — we have had to make a few adjustments, as you might've imagined. With eight fewer teams for a total of 28, we elected to have four divisions of seven teams, which eliminates two division payouts and cranks up the competition, big time. We have also adjusted the various and sundry lower-level payouts to make sure our Regular Season and Overall Champs are getting the hefty coin to which they've become accustomed. Here's how we're spreading the purse as of today:
We're doing all of this in a vacuum, though, so feel free to give us your commentary. If you think we should be approaching things differently, let us know with an impassioned, though not whiny, message using the form at this link. We believe we can be reasoned with, so be reasonable. And not whiny. We hate whiny.
