But then, last night happens, in what we imagine is the after-effect of many shots of some choice libations. This rant happens:
While we will not disclose who shared this rant with us — we'll just say he wears jorts to dance around his moped every Mother's Day — we will say it is fun to see one of our owners rip this fantasy league apart while indiscriminately throwing other owners (well, just one other owner, to be fair) under the bus. Thanks, dancing jorts momma's boy, we needed that.
Dodgers prospect Alex Verdugo hit a 385-foot homer at AAA tonight: 360 feet off the bat, 25 feet off Zach Borenstein's head. Holy Canseco. pic.twitter.com/2KzTtvcTpF— Jeff Passan (@JeffPassan) July 26, 2017
As Joe says, rules are rules.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, every other minor league baseball team, why can't you all have this rule? I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!
Sometimes, I seriously love the Internet:
Maddog Mauler's owner Michael Schoien sent us this link with the note that there's no commentary needed. Sorry, Maddog, but there's a ton of commentary needed, starting with how it is that no one reached out to us to include the last remaining Bobblehead-of-Lettuce! The single most notorious bobblehead in world history of bobbleheads doesn't get included in the Bobblehead Museum! That is an outrage!
Hers was the last team to join the league, which gave us a nice-and-even 36 teams. Word has it that she didn't know what she was in for, didn't know what to expect, and didn't expect to do much in the league. But when the fog-of-the-war-of-attrition of an All-Star game cleared and Robinson Cano hit the dinger to propel the AL to the win, The Pretenders owner Susan Crohare ended up the winner of the SLPL's 2017 All-Star Championship.
With a sleek 250 points from the Derby, a hefty 150 points from Cano, four pitcher strikeouts, and only three hitter Ks, the rookie owner netted 425 total points, which was enough to beat Brian Thornburg's Carrboro T-Birds and Dan and Sue Klinkhamer's I'm Too Old for this Sh*t by 50 points.
League honchos are delighted to award Susie the All-Star crown and a most-excellent $200 prize, which will be delivered at the end of the season.
Meanwhile, #FAKE LEAGUE! Sad owner Susie Rochellle, who recruited Susie into the league, was quoted as saying about The Pretenders' win, "Fake news! Russian conspiracy! SAD!"
*This assumes we didn't make any mistakes. Which is to say, we may have messed up some of the math here since we had to manually transcribe each home run and strikeout by every hitter in the league. If we made any mistakes, please notify us ASAP so that we can make corrections. You will find our tracking under the All-Star Stats tab in our boffo spreadsheet!
Fifteen teams took an early 250-point lead in the All-Star standings, which raises the question: "How the ever-loving eff do only 15 SLPL teams have Aaron Judge?!" Sure he strikes out three times for every home run he hits, but that's still +7 points for every 11 at-bats. Anyway. Who am I to talk? I'm sitting in fourth place in La División Culantro.
More All-Star fun tonight, after which will will crown our first championship of the season and hand out a $200 prize. Good luck!
If you are unfamiliar, here are the rules for the SLPL’s All-Star Championship, which will be crowned at the conclusion of the All-Star game Tuesday night:
How do I score points for the All-Star Standings?
During the Home Run Derby...
- If a player on your roster wins the All-Star Home Run Derby, your team picks up 250 points
- Hitters earn 150 points for every home run hit
- Hitters lose 25 points for every K
- Pitchers earn 25 points for every K
- Pitchers lose 75 points for every homer surrendered
BTW, points earned in this category are allocated exclusively to the All-Star Standings and are not allocated to the Overall Standings.
Oh, and don't forget: If you want to trade for a player to be on tomorrow's Home Run Derby roster, you must make the trade tonight.
The All-Star game is just around the corner and we will crown our fist season champ Tuesday night. Here's how this particular championship works.
If you’re strategerizing for the All-Star break, remember that trades made on one day are not in effect until the next day. So:
- If you want someone new on your roster for the Home Run Derby on Monday, you’ll have to submit your trade for that person tomorrow.
- If you want someone new on your roster for the All-Star game on Tuesday, you’ll have to submit your trade for that person on Monday.
Photo from Babes Love Baseball
Second for the 4th, as is our want and tradition, below is our favorite 4th of July video, one we love a whole bunch but really love because of this lyric: “I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit | And your dog refused to look at it | So I got drunk and looked at the Empire State Building | It was no bigger than a nickel …” Check this out:
Third for the 4th, here is SLPL Commissioner Rube Furrow (aka, Joe Livernois) giving it his best while conducting a rousing rendition of "Stars and Stripes Forever" with the Monterey Bay Symphony back in 2009:
Fourth for the 4th, we love this crowd-sourced video:
Those who truly believe in this country, in freedom, in democracy, in justice, in truth, well, those people would be working to increase enfranchisement, not restrict it.
But this president? His political party and their cronies? These small, selfish, petty sons of bitches? They care only for their own power. And they figure if they can just get all the data in one place and if they can go through it, sorting by race and employment and political affiliation, if they can shape the data into some bogeyman of their own fevered creation, then they can find something to further their agenda of stealing this nation away from its people.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, season ticket holders! It was Bark In the Park. Bark In the Park! Not Baaaa! In the Park! Get it straight! I mean, seriously, W?! T?! F?!