Hola Fellow Lechugans:
As the mayor of Santa Lechuga and the SLPL Commissioner, I wanted to thank you all for helping the Santa Lechuga Power League to become the best damn no-nonsense roto league in the country. Look where you want, but only the SLPL emphasized the only statistics that really matter in baseball: HRs and Ks.
It's been a wild ride and both me and Pedregoso Rios, league veep, have enjoyed the 56 years we've spent running this league. But all weird things eventually come to an end, and this weird thing has officially ended as of now.
For one thing, it's a lot of work and a lot of math and a lot of spreadsheets and headaches. For another more important thing, neither Pedregoso nor I have ever won this damn thing. So we were doing all this work, distributing all this money, and none of it ever came our way. So WTF. Why were we doing this anyway? Also, the bulldozers are ripping out Santa Lechuga Stadium to make room for the long-awaited HUD Housing Project next week.
Huge props to Pedregoso, aka my brother Tony, who juggled all the fine details for all these years. He was the keeper of the stats, keeper of the santa-lechuga.com and keeper of the blog. He was also the Head Cheerleader, Equipment Manager and Jock Washer. It was a Herculean effort and he did a great job. Thank you, Tony. You're the best.
Finally, congratulations to this year's winners. I've still got a bit of accounting work to do, but please let me know how you'd like me to send your winnings. Because the size of individual winnings are a bit higher this year, we've got to be a bit more flexible about distribution of winnings. I can do PayPal and I can send checks. Depending on the instructions I get from all of you, I might have to make alternative arrangements, but I won't know until I hear from all of you. So Derrek, Jack, D.Jay, Bill, Mike and Scott: Send me your preferences when you can.
And to the rest of you, next time you're in Monterey County, come see us at the city of Santa Lechuga, If you get here in the next couple of weeks, you'll be able to visit Santa Lechuga Stadium before it gets bulldozed. And of course no visit to our fair city is complete without a tour of Mission Nuestra Señora de la Lechuga.
The rookie wasn't messing around. Where most newbies join the league all starry-eyed and wondrous, barely ready to field a team that has a positive number of points before the season ends, Derrek Kiker joined the 2021 EPIC FINAL SEASON of the Santa Lechuga Power League all confident. And premonitious. The following is an actual quote from the smack talk section of his submitted roster:
"It's going to feel good being the rookie who takes it all!"
I mean, who does that? In a bizarre, bespoke, unique, very specific, dopey little fantasy baseball league with 22 seasons under its now-incredibly-worn beer belly belt, this Kiker guy, a complete unknown and anonymous nobody out of nowhere, a friend of past-champ Paul Martin, waltzed in and dominated the league. On Sunday Derrek Kiker's Sactown Sluggers and Aces were crowned the 2021 Overall Champion of the Santa Lechuga Power League.
Scores of past-champs and other veterans were ready to show the snot-nosed brat a thing or two, only to be turned away by the guy who gave himself a moniker that stuck: The Rookie Who Took It All. That's gotta feel good.
Another thing for him to feel good about? Long-beleaguered League Commissioner Rube Furrow will hand over one of those funny outsized checks with funny outsized winnings of $1,730, the single largest payday to a single individual in league history, which is completely apropos of an EPIC FINAL SEASON! Kiker also won the Hitting Championship and La División de Burritos Championship. That’s just an incredible season. Dare I say, epic?
One past-champ didn't let Sunday go without asserting a bit of flex of his own. Defending going-for-the-threepeat Overall Champ D.Jay Andersen Saturday night submitted five pitching trades — all starters in today's final Regular Season games — which propelled his Deeger's Dogs from 300 points down to 2,100 points up to win the Pitching Championship. It was a darned deft move that gave the final day of the season a bit of unexpected drama.
Here are all the Official Champs for the EPIC FINAL SEASON of the Santa Lechuga Power League.
- Overall Champ: Derrek Kiker, Sactown Sluggers and Aces
- Hitting Champ: Derrek Kiker, Deeger's Dogs
- Pitching Champ: D.Jay Andersen, Deeger's Dogs
- La División Quesadilla Champ: Bill Cunning, 1 Flew Over the Crooked Fence
- La División de Tacos Champ: Jack Tripp, SandyEggo Padres
- La División de Tamales Champ: Mike Skoien, Maddog's Maulers
And here are the final money winners.
- Derrek Kiker, Sactown Sluggers and Aces, for Overall Champ
- Jack Tripp, SandyEggo Padres, for La División de Tacos Champ ($250) and for next deserving team in Hitting performance ($300)*
- D.Jay Andersen, Deeger's Dogs, Pitching Champ
- Bill Cunning, 1 Flew Over the Crooked Fence, La División Quesadilla Champ
- Mike Skoien, Maddog's Maulers, for La División de Tamales Champ
- Scott Allen, Scoot Bigs, for next most deserving performance across all Divisions*
*Remember, the Overall Champ can only win monies for that championship; those monies are then given to the next deserving team in that category.
Congratulations to all our champs and money winners. Most of all, congratulations to Derrek Kiker for winning the the Jim Cummings Cup, which was named after the 2005 Overall Champ who died in 2013 and is given each year in honor of winning the Overall SLPL Championship. The Jim Cummings Cup is a coffee cup and not an athletic cup, though league head honchos long re-considered that choice given that Jim was said to be an excellent ballplayer.
Thanks to all your for joining us this final season. It's been a wild and weird 23 seasons and it’s been a blast to have you as a part of it.
Finally, be on the lookout for a message from our Commish, Rube Furrow. When he awakens from his completely unexpected end-of-season stupor, I'm sure he'll want to share some thoughts about the end of the season and about the end of the league.
Hey SLPL Owners,
The 2021 Santa Lechuga Power League season — indeed, the whole darned dopey league, all 23 years of it — it ends today, Sunday, October 3, with the final pitch of the final game of the regular season. Unless, of course, the two best teams in the MLB inexplicably end up in a one-game tiebreaker or some other weird tiebreaker scenario happens, our season and the whole darned dopey league will end on Monday or Tuesday. But you get the idea. The end is very near.
When we announced that this would be the EPIC FINAL SEASON, we knew this was it, the last song on the album, the second heel of the loaf of bread, the last pea in the can, the last pee in the ol’ try-to-avoid-other-men's-eyes-while-you-tinker-in-the-eight-inning-at-the-horseshoe-urinals at Wrigley Field. But October came around and we suddenly remembered we weren’t doing playoffs this season and — in the words of late owner Richard “Pop” Livernois -- “WOWEE!,” we saw that it was almost truly-and-for-honestly over.
It’s a bit hard to believe.
Look here for news about our winners and such when the regular season is really over. We have a massive pot to distribute. And if you are getting a cut of that pot, we hope you will think fondly of us as you buy the bar a round.
We have been busting butt to get the website up and running, and it’s been a slog. Having said that, we do have standings posted here: http://www.santa-lechuga.com/. As you’ll see, Blood Bath Ann Beyonce owner Ann Stockberger jumped out to to a big early lead on the backs of seven home runs. And because every home run is worth 1,000 points this season, she’s got, like, a 4,000+ lead.
Look at that, an epic final season already!
Anyway, the dust hasn’t completely settled at the website yet, so it may be on and offline over the coming days. Fair warning.
One last thing! I will soon be sending everyone a link to another website, our stats provider, so you can view up-to-the-minute standings, projections, other teams’ rosters, and transactions. I figured, why replicate what I can just point you to? If you an email from RotoWire, please don’t delete it.
Anyway, hit me up with questions.
And good luck this season!
As those of us who root for the San Francisco Giants know by now, if winter is behind us and spring has sprung, it’s time to turn our attention to late-night bullpen meltdowns. Which is to say that baseball has returned. Which is also to say that great teams with strong pitching staffs are playing somewhere, but definitely not in the vicinity of the Bay Bridge.
But I digress.
Because the best news about springing springs and last month’s winter is that it means the Santa Lechuga Power League has returned.
And as you know by now, the 2021 season will be the final year for SLPL. Now, many of you have asked us why we’re hanging it up after more than six decades of quality baseball nitwittery. We thought long and hard about that, and we really didn’t come up with anything until Commissioner Rube Furrow was dinking around with Canva to create the logo at the top of this message. You see that typeface up there? The one that says “Santa Lechuga Power League” above the bobbleheads? You know what font that is? It’s called “Glacial Indifference.” And suddenly Commissioner Rube Furrow said to himself, “Why, that’s it! That’s why we’re dismantling the league at the end of the season! Glacial Indifference!
Your commissioner, Rube Furrow, has been with the Santa Lechuga Power League from the get-go. Over the years he’s had to juggle his duties as baseball commissioner and as mayor of the beautiful mission town of Nuestra Senora de la Lechuga, home of the Santa Lechuga Dust Devils. As you know if you’ve spent any time in this league, the Dust Devils won the national E-Division championship back in 1969, back when Santa Lechuga was affiliated with the Seattle Pilots.
Anywho, the SLPL front office wants everybody to know that we’ve got 24 teams signed up for this year’s final season. And we welcome all y’all. We love the team names and we think you’re all the cat’s meow.
Please know that our Director of Operations, Hawk Gandy, promises to have the SLPL Epic Final Season website up and functional just as soon as he can shake last week’s drunk.
Yours in Glacial Indifference,
Santa Lechuga Power League
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls:
After careful consideration, the brain trust at the Santa Lechuga Power League have determined that the 2021 season will be SLPL's swan song. This is the final lap, the farewell performance, the end of an era, the death on the vine.
It's been a good run, sure, but it has run its course. The kids just aren't into baseball anymore, what with so many other distractions to occupy their time these days. Like video games and torrid, free-wheeling sex. Not only that, but your faithful league commissioner, Rube Furrow, is getting too old for this shit, and the Santa Lechuga City Council voted earlier this year to pull all funding for the maintenance of Endive Stadium.
So we're going one more round, taking the bus for one last trip, before we ride off into the metaphorical sunset. Our final season will start soon. This year we're running a slightly different format. The highlights:
- Entry fee is $100, which comes with eight free trades during the season.
- Teams will be assessed an additional $10 for every trade after their eight free transactions.
- Teams will select 10 hitters, and five pitchers.
- The season will end at the end of the regular MBL season, with no All-Star or playoff matches or Hall-of-Fame death pool.
- Winners will include League Overall Championship, division winners, batting point leaders and pitching point leaders.
Also this year, to commemorate the 97 years SLPL has been running organized baseball leagues, Rube Furrow has promised to send an occasional newsletter to team ownership groups that will describe SLPL's rich history.
So start your scouting operations, get your teams in order and run over to http://www.santa-lechuga.com/. The SLPL Director of Operations, Hawk "Fungo" Gandy, promises he will update the site just as soon as he sleeps off last year's drunk.
Let's Play Ball!